Appreciations & Manifestations Journal

One practice that brings me joy is my daily appreciation journal.  On the left page of my small journal I write my appreciations.  The more I focus on the blessings in my life, the more I find to bring me into the bliss of my little moments.

"Feeling grateful or appreciative of someone or something in your life actually attracts more of the things that you appreciate and value into your life." 

-Northrup Christiane

On the right is my list of what I intend to manifest.  My days are lighter and more intentional when I make the time to complete these journal pages.  With clear intentions, my days naturally flow toward my goals.  My friend Latisha has been doing this practice for months and finds she is now fluidly accomplishing very large intentions.  My goals are personal, looking small while feeling large.  They will grow as I do.

Here is my list for today.

I appreciate:

• happily watered flowers
• pouring rain
• purring kitties
• completed weekly homeschool
• family science time
• eating dinner together
• board games
• rain boots

I choose to manifest:

• laughter
• song on my lips
• joy in my heart throughout day
• use home-preserved goods
• consume more vegetables
• spirit-led writing
• exercise
• call and write Grandma

Morning Appreciations

I appreciate waking before my family to meditate in solitude.
I appreciate hot tea, fed kitties, and the hum of my computer.
I appreciate my son coming to sit on my lap before my first sentence is complete.
I appreciate the impression of his pillows still on his face.
I appreciate his warm hug and his hair in my face.
I appreciate his covering his coughs with his elbow.
I appreciate his planning his own half birthday celebrations.
I appreciate hearing the details of the necklace he created that I now wear.
I appreciate rising out of my chair to search for the green pipe cleaner my son kindly requests.

Determined Aspirations

As I juggle my beautiful growing family, I aspire to become a shamanic practitioner.  You know, with a massage table, healing room, paid with money, the works.  I see myself also sharing my various creations for the financial benefit of my family.  As I hold these goals in my heart and move in small steps toward their actualization, I take comfort in knowing I'm following in the footsteps of other determined humans.  We are never alone on our adventures.

Today, looking through my children's three foot tall pile of educational magazines from a kind neighbor, I opened a Smithsonian magazine (February 2013) right up to an article on "Origins"  This article details the journey of writer Seth Fiegerman, who edits the blog Opening Lines.org.  He has "a collection of case studies on the origins of famous careers."  He details how in his own career struggles it was nice to find in various interviews and biographies that successful people all struggled in getting where they wanted to be.  What these successful people had in common were setbacks and failures.  They were determined in their aspirations to continue moving forward.  We have the ability to learn infinite amounts from our failures.  

As I spend these long days and short years with my beautiful children, I take comfort in knowing I will reach my goals.  My goals may change shape and color.  I look back to see I've risen to meet my previous goals.  Each journey has been far more rewarding than I'd imagined possible.  The lessons along the way simply blow my mind, expanding my heart to love this life even more.  Yes, I am doing just dandy in my role as my children's mother.  I use many abilities to keep up with them in their ever-changing ways.  I will soon see the ways I am using my many others skills in my life.  Perhaps as I aspire to reach these professional goals, I will find I've already arrived at where I'd aimed.  I look forward to watching this story unfold.

Removing False Masks

I am currently taking a class to understand the many masks I wear out in the world.  Our goal is to identify, name, remove, and discard the masks we wear that we think protect us.  They actually prevent us from knowing and showing our authentic selves and living our self-satisfying life.  It is true that when we take care of ourselves, we really are taking care of others.  Self-care is vital.  

I dutifully did my homework for this class, piecing together a list of masks.  The Stupid/Smart mask merged with Overachiever.  People Pleasure and Late Louisa were there too.  My completed flow chart was orderly and simplified with 15 masks.

When I got to the first class and was asked to talk about my masks, my words were stuck and my brain began to short circuit.  It would have been comical had it not been so terrifying.  The first words to come out were, "Oh, look, it's my happy mask!  I'd forgotten all about that one."  And then I uncovered my personal masks of Wounded Martyr, Lone Woman, Fear of Failure, Bean Counter, Runner, Overwhelm/Avoidance, Seen/Unseen, Mean Mommy, Wounded Self-Help Hound, among many others.

So now that I've discovered many masks, these simple steps are used with each one.  

1. Identify mask.
2. Remove mask.
3. Name mask.
4. Discard mask or set it aside.
5. Find your song, your joy.

I currently have three beautifully crafted paper mache masks in my prayer room, standing as a reminder to keep these masks off my face.  These three are my Happy Mask, Hopelessly Blue Mask, and Should Mask.

My song is what brings me joy.  My favorites are singing, dancing, crafting, finding bliss in the moment, and time in nature.

I find great joy in moving through these steps with each mask and standing in my own uniquely joyous song.  

The Burning of Bridget Cleary, Part 1

I am preparing to take a shamanic course on fairy doctoring, using fairy connections to heal humans.  In preparation, I've started reading The Burning of Bridget Cleary.  This book is the true story of a man murdering his wife because he believed she was possessed by fairies in 1895 Ireland.  This is very unlike books I usually choose.

After reading a fifth of the book one day last week, I've been thinking and dreaming of it since.  One night I had a dream of fairies attuning my throat chakra (energy center) to prepare for my speaking in a new way.  While this was uncomfortable, I knew I was protected by my angels.  I trust these attunements are moving me toward my most benevolent outcome.

The following night I dreamed of the Catholic church and the rules instituted upon ancient cultures in the book.  Again my throat burned as I visualized being whipped each time I tried to speak against the church's stories.  I imagined this is how the original cultures felt with the incoming of church's vastly different structures and rules.

Without reading further into this intriguing book, I find myself processing the events on a molecular level, as if clearing out and speaking of my family's cosmology.  I trust this journey with the fairies and appreciate this unfolding story as my life mingles with those long past.

(Part 2 is here.)

What is family to me?

What is family to me?  This question has taken me a long time to answer.

In childhood, family was a group of people placed together by marriage and biology.  My parents provided food, shelter, education, boundaries, and safety from the world outside.  My family contained four people, very little time with other biological  kin, and the occasional guest for New Year's Eve.  My father used physical and emotional violence with us to keep his world orderly and controlled.  My mother survived through submissiveness and passive aggressiveness.  My brother fled our little pod because it was too painful and overwhelming to stay connected.

My definition of family has changed throughout the years.  I left my fractured childhood home after high school graduation to find my own way in our world.  I learned to create personal boundaries and to be a good friend.  I made many friends who were finding their own paths.  My parents and I mended our connections and I found safety in my own gentle strength.

Then I met my M, a loyal, supportive, family-centered young man.  He moved from Taiwan to the U.S.A. as a preschooler and was very connected to his Taiwanese culture, family, and practices.  Having spent a summer in France caring for my cousin's children when I was 17, studying three languages, and loving travel, it was such a blessing to connect with such a network of loving, extended family.

M became my family.  To my delight, he was a package deal, bringing with him his extended family.  It is so comforting to have the healthy love and support of M's family.  To know how much they love my children is priceless.

I miss my brother deeply, though I rest in knowing he is aware of my love for him and where to find me when he is ready to reconnect.  One day in this lifetime I look forward to reconnecting with my beloved brother, to seeing my children enjoy their uncle, my mother hugging her son.  As we all move to the beat of our own drums, I release expectation of specific outcomes and send love to my family near and far.

As I look back on my own evolution of family, I give the greatest of thanks for where I've been.  My own story has helped me feel deeply appreciative for where I now stand with this loving family by my side.

Following my own Path

Studying as a shamanic practitioner for the last two years has taught me so much.  Through these lessons I have learned to bring healing to myself and others, to connect more deeply to Jesus, God, the Divine in us all.  I hold tools to generate energy within my body, to clear energy of others, to manifest blessings.

As my family makes way for a blessed third child, I have pulled back from high level monthly courses.  As my classmates and friends move on in their class studies, I am slimming down to three weekend classes and focusing on my daily life routines.  In my personal life I am striving to create structure for my family's routines.  The more I focus on bringing myself into balance, the more my family benefits.

I've been focusing on bringing about my own mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual balance.  Goodness knows, there's a lot more to balance than all that.  Okay, so with regular exercise, vegetable consumption, daily meditations, moments of solitude and mindful breathing, and hanging out with my angels, I am feeling pretty good.  My children also have their daily responsibilities and needs: homeschool, getting outside, healthy meals, home chores, social time, a smidge of quiet time, and lots of free play.

Then I focus on singing and speaking from my heart while asking my children for the 47th time to please put on their clothes and practice the piano.  It has taken a long while to get to this point.  Each day is different, some high and some low.  While I am most often patient and loving, sometimes I shout and then stand in the closet to breath and hum my way back into my heart.

While I know my classmates are moving on in their level of spiritual practice, I know I am doing the same right here with my wee ones.  I am here for my family as I also show up for myself.  That is where I am in this moment and that is enough for me.  What a beautiful balance to know I am caring for others by caring for myself.  What blessed lives we lead.

Fairy Love

Each morning as I intentionally appreciate my ancestors, I feel the energy of my father's deceased mother come gently yet firmly into my heart.  I feel Grandma Evelyn's love coming through to connect with me.  There was something more than love she wanted to share.

As I was connecting with my cousins, I asked them if they knew of any unusual qualities in our grandmother.  My cousin Kristen says she was very close with Grandma, cooking with her in the kitchen, inheriting her garden bench.  My cousin sometimes senses Grandma sitting next to her on that same bench while her children play nearby.

For a while I asked Grandma's energy to sit on the bed next to me each morning, as she sits on her beloved bench.  My grandfather would often be next to her and connect with me as well.  I felt close to them both, connecting in a loving way that was not available to me as a child when I frightened by my father's childhood stories.

In a shamanic journey with a fellow practitioner, I was given the gift of connection with my beloved grandmother.  In this visualization, my grandmother shared an early memory of her childhood.  She saw herself spending hours playing in tall grasses near water, captivated with the glistening details of the world.  She told of the mosses, dew, the sunlight reflecting off everything.  And there were fairies everywhere.  This was the magic she wanted to share.  I was greatly comforted to know my grandmother was a joyous flitterer like me, meandering about to those in need and to those she loved.  She was able to focus on the details of life instead of feeling overwhelmed by the view of all life's challenges.

The following day, my daughter began a fairy class at a non-academic Christian homeschool co-op.  She invited fairies to travel to her class in a glass jar, making them comfortable with glittery beads and jewels.  A preschooler looked into my bag of supplies and inquired about the glass jar.  "This is a jar of fairies my daughter brought for her fairy class."  This one sentence led to our slow rejection and ejection from the program.  While this transition was heartbreaking, we were being true to ourselves in following what was right for us and making space for a better-fitting community.

Now in an academic-focused Christian co-op, we are acclimating and making new friends.  New Christian friends seem to be a large part of our social connections right now.  Our Christian friends raise healthy, considerate children and tend to love homeschooling.  When asked directly by our Christian friends, I share my interest in shamanism, Buddhism, meditation, and occasionally find myself mentioning my love of fairies.  Though these words often leave my lips without my permission, I believe there are no accidents.  I see these details of our lives as part of our unfolding story.  While falling in love with our ancestors, our human story, our line of cosmology, we are falling in love with these lives we are so blessed to authentically share with one another.

Creating Peace on Thanksgiving

My husband, children, and I put a lot of time, energy, and love into hosting Thanksgiving each year.
Each year my family elaborates on hosting this day.  The guests bring the same scripts, while my little family shifts the framework.  This celebration changes form, as do we.

It amazes me how emotionally triggered I am by this one meal each year.  I have looked around enviously at friends with extended families.  I desired more for my children than the isolated family of four in which I was raised.  I had chosen to focus upon my own disconnect, disfunction, and disappointment.  It is so true, we bring into our lives that on which we focus.

Two years ago my little family spent days preparing the meal and setting.  We wrote personal appreciations on a little paper turkey for each guest.  Everyone sat at beautifully arranged place settings.  My partner set up a scavenger hunt for the children to find a lost turkey.  This kept families engaged for an hour after the meal before their departure.  My recollections of the evening are laughing children with fake mustaches and adults saying "thank you" and "That must have taken a long time to make these little turkeys."  It was very sweet, though in my greed I'd wanted more.

There was still lingering disappointment in my heart last November.  In knowing I am creator of my own reality, I chose to get to the bottom of these feelings.  There, where it always is, I found again how much I miss my estranged brother.  He chose to leave my life 14 years ago due to the painful childhood we shared.  When I realized once again how much I miss my only sibling, I chose to search for the silver lining.  I love silver lining.  Here is what I found.  My biological family hasn't been around much, so I've created a supportive, healthy community of loved ones I consider my additional family.  It's an awesome feeling to have so many wonderful people love my children, my partner, and me.  Ironically, they are with their own biological families to celebrate Thanksgiving.

Let it go, let it flow.  My dear friend Jasmine has been walking me through her own releasing of friends from their set roles.  When we step back from expectations and forward into joy, we watch the relationship shift, change, end, or grow.  Then there is freedom for others to enter our lives.  Sometimes my additional family seems to use a revolving door and only the most joyous and nourishing of relationships last.  If staying in relationship with someone is so difficult, perhaps we are trying to make them fit into a role they don't choose.

Family has been a theme for me for a long while.  I've been training as a shamanic practitioner for two years.  Within this practice, I have connected more deeply with my family lineage and living relatives.  I daily express great gratitude for this life I have been gifted by my ancestors all the way back to the beginning of humanity.

My shamanic friend who knew nothing of my childhood gifted me with a shamanic meditation.  Within the visualization, she guided me to see myself as a delicate, innocent flower, smashed under the black boot of my father in the name of tradition and control.  As this flower, I was smashed and held down for a long time.  Soon the violence ended and there was quiet, calm, and light.  I rose again, like the Phoenix, growing into a strong resilient blossom.  All around me were other blossoms, in trees, in grasses, in vases.  Each one of these flowers is a family member.  "See the flowers and know how much you are loved.  You are surrounded by family and they are there anytime you think of them."

This visualization last spring provided me with such comfort I was able to take a big step forward.  Shortly after this session, I attended my mother's mother's family reunion in Utah, where I met 40 new relatives and all my grandmother's siblings.  In late summer my daughter and I traveled to Missouri to meet my father's siblings, their children, and grandchildren.  Within the last year my biological family has gone from itty bitty to pretty big.  These relatives live at a distance, though our hearts are now changed and connected forever.

As with every year, last year at Thanksgiving season, I began anew to re-evaluate my definition of family.  I looked in the dictionary for a definition of family.  Down at the ninth definition I found what I'd been searching for.  "Family: those who share the same path, interests, goals."  I like it.  I choose to know that I am a part of one big human family.  My cats, friends, loved ones, and biological relatives are all family.

As per usual I invited my loved ones from all areas of my life to join us for the big day.  I put out an open invitation to all my classmates to join us if they chose.  It feels good to include them.  It feels good they have other gatherings to join.  It feels great to release any expectation of others participating on behalf of my side of the family.  One of my partner's cousins chooses to spend Thanksgiving with friends, as she has for the last 25 years.  Now I finally understand her choice.  When we choose what feels good for ourselves, taking others into consideration, we are causing a ripple effect of self-care and appreciation.  We are the only ones who truly know what brings us joy on Thanksgiving.  And it is our responsibility to create our own happiness.

It brings me great joy to spend this special day with my loved ones who choose to share it.  My partner's three relatives and their own little families joined us last year.  We spent one week preparing our home and one day preparing our meal.  We decorated a large chalk board, white board, and a large painted poster to detail our appreciations for family, friends, food, and the abundance in our lives.  The table was immaculately set with laminated animal calendar pages (from decluttering teaching supplies), small canning jars with candles, personalized art, and name cards for each guest.  In all the preparations, we expressed our deep appreciations for our loved ones, near and far, and for the many blessings in our lives.  The actual gathering and meal were the frosting on the already-delicious cake.

When the big moment arrived, my in-laws arrived with their children and dishes to share.  We socialized as we completed meal details.  As we sat to begin our meal, we each spoke of what we were most thankful for, lighting a candle as we spoke.  My four-year-old son approached the adults' table with his electric candle  to say, "I am thankful for friends and food."  The other children followed.  The tables glowed with candlelight.  When the meal was complete, my new cousin-in-law's wife helped me with dishes!  Adult cousins stayed to play an hour of games.  It was beautiful.  It was bliss.  It was complete.

Since that Thanksgiving meal, my thoughts on family are these.  Family is the group of beings we call loved ones: biological kin, dear friends, those we choose to love.  We are a part of one human family.  Strangers are friends yet to meet.  I see this in action every time we take public transportation or play in public spaces.  There are so many kind people all over the world who are someone's loved ones.  Most people in my life are loved ones.  And when it comes to Thanksgiving, I invite my beloved ones, expect nothing in return, and am thrilled by the gifts that unfold.  We now know how to send out appreciations and set the stage for the bonding of loved ones.  We now know a deeper meaning for the word family.

Love bugs

Giving thanks with paint

One place setting with meal blessing

Collectively counting our blessings

Library Book Love

I descend from a long line of book lovers.  We fondly call ourselves bookworms when it feels right.  We even love books about books.  My father's mother "always had a book in her hand."  My father would come home from his stressful work days to plop down on the couch and read through another paperback.  In my sheltered childhood, I visited the library each week and read thousands of books.  My grandmother kept journals, my father writes books and stories, and I love to write letters, journals, and blog.

While reading The Library by Sarah Stewart today, my daughter Hannah asked, "Mama, am I a bookworm?"  She apparently follows our family line of literature lovers.  The Library is one of our favorite children's books.  This book details the true story of how Mary Elizabeth Brown came to turn her home into a library.  I told my daughter, not for the first or last time, how my childhood home looked like a library and how our home would resemble a library if we didn't have a local library.  We love our books.  And we appreciate our library for housing all the books we bookworms love.

Wooden Shoe Tulip Festival

Hannah, Liam, and I treasure our annual tradition of attending the Wooden Shoe Tulip Festival.  This year I became aware of my motivations for attending this festival.  My children are motivated by the cow train, trampoline, pony rides, and playground.  I am captivated by the beautiful tulips, photo opportunities, and how much joy my children take in this annual tradition.

We have attended this festival for five years now, since I was pregnant with my son.  I'm thrilled to proclaim this as my first year to watch my children meander the fields on the bumpy cow train without me.  Seeing this day as a learning opportunity, we talked about managing our budget; my children chose two activities and a small snack while I chose to go home with colorful tulips.  Hannah and Liam spent an hour pumping water for their own duck racing, understanding the details of water pressure, volume, and flow.  We talked about the cold wind in our ears, the variations in tulips colors and shapes, and how each variety blooms at different times.  We watched gardeners cut off old blooms.  

We took it all in.  Now that we're at home, we will enjoy our photographs from our beloved Tulip Festival.  We highly recommend it to anyone who hasn't yet fallen in love with the spring colors.

Grandma Elaine's Love & Lessons

My beloved Grandma Elaine is now 88.  I feel so fortunate to have a relationship with her.  We share a deep love and connection that goes beyond blood.  We see each other clearly and respect our similar yet different paths.  We have been pen pals across multiple states since I was born.

In the last few years, our relationship has deepened.  My grandmother cared for her husband with dementia by herself up until his last few months.  He died three years ago.  With the sadness of his passing came some silver lining.  My grandmother was finally free to travel.  My mother, partner, and children drove from Oregon to Utah to see her for the first time in 15 years.  Since then she has flown to see us several times.  Our relationship grows deeper with each visit.  We cuddle, walk, talk, watch the trees in the wind.  I love how she loves my children.  This spring we plan for another visit.

Two weeks ago I got a call from my grandmother's caregiver, a devoted wife and mother who loves my grandmother as her own.  She detailed my grandmother's mental and physical decline due to Parkinson's and dementia.  Before this phone call, I hadn't believed she had any symptoms of dementia.  Learning of these changes, I went through a variety of emotions, much like the five stages of grief: denial and isolation, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.  I continue to process.

As my her story unfolds, I am able to see more facets of her situation and coping techniques.  I am able to add to the love story I share with my grandmother.  I love so many parts of my her.  I love her self-preservation, her can-do attitude, her work ethic, how she laughed and danced with her husband, how she sends cards for so many little holidays, how much she loves my own little family, her devotion to her friends and church and community, her pride in living in her great-grandfather's home, and her willingness to get on a plane to visit us.

Now I am also able to see how some of these characteristics have not worked well for her in her aging process.  In her attempt to get attention and love from friends, she says negative things about the care she receives at home.  This causes friction and hurts her caregivers.  I love her for doing her best, I love her for allowing others to care for her.  I love her for showing me the way to new lessons.

My grandmother is helping me to learn so much about myself and the human condition.  I have learned so much about aging and memory loss.  I am learning what is in and out of my control.  As her granddaughter in another state, I am able to love her and support her without judgement.  I am able to share information with her caregivers to provide a more complete story.  I am able to provide her with another family vacation.

When my grandmother visits this spring, we will make modifications for safety and enjoyment.  It will be her last visit to our home.  I will be the one to visit her next time.  It is sad for me to wonder if this is her last visit with my children.  We do not know what the future holds.  We only know we have today and this great love we so willingly share with one another.  What a blessing to have Grandma Elaine so active in my life.  What a gift to share her with my children.  What a blessing to know her so well and to love her in all her human detail as she loves me in mine.

We Love... Family Traditions!

I love reflecting on our family's traditions.  I love the details of our traditions, the little rituals within each special day.  We love how the Easter Bunny delivers chocolate bunnies, leaves little chocolate egg droppings, and sets up a scavenger hunt to locate hidden baskets.  We love visiting the Enchanted Forest, Rhododendron Gardens, the Woodburn Tulip Festival.  We love waking up to our birthdays with balloons and cake in bed.  We love hosting Thanksgiving for all those who choose to join us.  We loved waking up just after midnight last Christmas Eve to open all Santa's gifts (while tackling stomach flu-related laundry).  We love writing thank you cards on Christmas day.  We love watching friends bravely walk on fire twice a year.  We love hosting the best muffin-centered New Year's Eve party in the universe.  We love talking about what we love.

We love every day we get to share with one another.  Our special traditions bring more bubbly sweetness into our daily lives.  What blessings to grow and cherish them together.

Preparing for our Thanksgiving gathering

Hannah's Stories, Age 6

Mrs. Ginko & Her Little Boy by Hannah
Written October 2014, Age 6

Mrs. Ginko was walking with her son Lino when they saw something!  It was a flash of goldness!  "Wow!" said Lino.  "Did you see that, Mommy?!"  "I did, but it was amazing," said his mom.  "Wow!" said the boy again.  "It was a flash of green!  A leprechaun, a leprechaun!"

And then he saw a pot of gold with a leprechaun standing by it.

A few weeks after, Mrs. Ginko and her son were walking again.  "Look!" said Lino.  He saw a big woosh come by him.  It was so big even with a little throne just big enough for a fairy.  "Did I just see a fairy?" asked little Lino.  "Now, don't you say that too much," said Lino's mom.  "I don't want you to get into any trouble for talking about fairies."  "Too bad that I didn't see a fairy sitting in it," said three year old Lino.

Hannah's Stories, Age 5

Prilla's Moving Day

Written and Illustrated by Hannah, March 2014, age 5       

Prilla come now!  It is time for breakfast.  We are moving tomorrow.  Ok I will, said Prilla.  ZZZZZZZZZZ.  PRILLA GET UP.  Oh mom all right, said Prilla.  Prilla got up.  Let us go to school.  Say bye.  Bye Lana.  Bye Hannah.  Bye Ellie.  Bye Liam.  Bye Theo.  Bye Colin.  Bye Katlyen.  See YOU.  Bye other Liam.  Bye Emi.  Bye Kinsley.  Bye Mia.  Bye Vanessa.  Bye Nellie.  Bye Sophia.  See you.  Bye.  Bye.  Bye.  Bye.  See you tomorrow.  

The next day.  Hi.  Me and my mom have to move.  Now here was the day for Prilla to move. 

One day Prilla went to school and saw her playmates.                                                                       

        The                                              End 

She

She feels alone in a crowd at times.
She feels comforted by trusted companions.
She loves dragons and squirrels and bees and sunshine.
She is human.
She is detailed.
She is bursting with love for the oneness that connects us all.
She sees the details in others.
She loves those details.
She loves to solve puzzles,
to figure out why things work the way they do,
why they don't work the way they do.
She want to solve everything,
though knows small steps from within are required for such change.
She wants to be a poet.
She is a lover, a teacher, a friend, a companion, a dreamer, a creator.
She wants to free all circus animals.
She grows.
She sees it.
She is me.
She is you.
She is us.
She is within and without.
She is running water.
She is camping with peacocks.
She begins her sentences with she.