I Have Learned... in my Great Shedding.

I have come to learn so many things since I have last written.  I have learned that not everyone acts with integrity or compassion as I'd prefer they do.  Even those we have held close and loved dearly for decades.  I have learned those we have loved are capable of intentionally hurting me in ways I could not have imagined.  I have learned at some point one must cut off those that hurt us, even if they are family.  I have learned that the loss of my in-laws in my life is much like letting my only brother walk out of my life 16 years ago.  I have learned that it is easier to see the manipulation of others when not under their noses.  I have learned some will despise me regardless of my making the healthiest choices for my children and myself.  I have learned the health of my children and myself take priority over all else, especially as a single mother.  I have learned there is great strength in walking a path less traveled, in stepping forward to focus upon what I know is best for us.  I have learned the only difficult situation is one that includes blame.  I have learned I can be blamed for virtually anything when others want to find fault and scapegoat me for their loss of my partner (their brother/cousin/friend).  I have learned others have great expectations for how a widow grieves.  I have learned I will survive when others are disappointed in me, when I don't live up to others' expectations.  I have learned I will grow stronger in adversity.  I have learned I am strong enough, loving enough, smart enough, that I am enough.  I have learned to feel even more gratitude for this life I get to live, for these children I get to nurture, for these difficult choices I get to make, for these friends who are our family, for the love within my own happy heart, for the love that grows between my children and I with each day. 

my mindful shedding

My Boy and his Camera

My boy loves taking pictures.  He loves colors and spice and creativity and constructiveness and playfulness and silly-ness and sweetness and cuddlyfullness.  I love my boy's photos.  I love his bright soul and deep concepts.  I am so thankful for him in every moment.

the chosen one

I asked my mother if she'd like me to do a prayerful meditation on her behalf.  She said she'd love for me to look into how she may help my father treat her more as his chosen one, to look into her eyes in a way that says she is his most beloved.  He shares this look with other women, though not with her.  It is so easy for us to forget the sacredness of being our partner's chosen one, and instead feel like cohabitating roommates.  The daily details distract us from connecting with one another.  How sad. 

This conversation with my mother strikes a chord for me, as I've been going through similar feelings in my marriage.  I waited for my partner to leave the room before admitting to my mother that my partner and I have attended our first marriage counseling session this week.  I had recently remembered my desire to be cherished and appreciated, seen and heard, by my partner.  And I have not felt that way for a long time.  I told myself often that "what is good for me is good for my family.  Taking care of myself is taking care of my family.  Happy wife make for a happy life."  I had asked my partner to read Men Are From Mars with me, though he made it half a chapter in and called it quits due to gross stereotypes.  I didn't have the tools to make this relationship healthier on my own.  The realization that my desires and reality were so far apart led to counseling.

In the counseling session, I saw that my partner and I love each other very much, though we have our emotional attachments, patterns, and defenses.  Our counselor helped us to see that when we discuss money, what really matters are the emotions below the talk.  As an adult from an abusive childhood home, I have extra defenses such as shutting down and putting up walls when something doesn't feel safe or loving.  I shut down a lot.  My partner has now spent the last week responding to my verbalized feelings with "I can see why you may think that, yet..."  And then he laughs and I loosen up a little.  This one counseling session has been one baby steps on our journey to restore an open love between us.  And this meditation for my mother is a small step for her marriage as well.

*Author note: This post was written several years ago in reference to my now late partner M.

My Girl and her Camera

My girl loves her camera.  I found these photos she'd taken in a variety of locations over several months.  I love seeing her perspective on the world, her focus upon what fills her heart.  I love this way to connect with her and the beauty she shares with me.

LoveFesting

For years I've been talking with my friends about LoveFesting.  I see this Festival of Love as the connection of deep love that runs between the loved ones' overflowing hearts.  This phrase can be adopted and adapted as the user lovingly intends.  I have been LoveFesting for years.

I have had three big romantic relationships in my life.  My first was when I was 18, leaving my parents' home, adrift in the big world for the first time.  I wanted to be loved.  I found a partner who could help me find more of myself in the swirl of life, though not a great long term match.  I was thankful to move beyond that first relationship.

When I met M, I had been working full-time, going to school half-time, learning to fly tiny airplanes as a student pilot, ice skating every weekend, gathering regularly with a wonderful group of coworkers, attending family reunions, driving around the country, and embracing independence and adventure.  I was very happy, full, and LoveFesting with healthy people.  M found me dancing in a little bar on Belmont in Portland, Oregon.  I was dancing with friends, two men and one woman.  M asked me if I wanted to dance.  In my literalism and defiance, I kept dancing without response.  I didn't need a dance partner to continue dancing.  So we danced... into the night.  The first thing I asked him was if he smoked.  It was a bad habit I didn't want to bring into my life.  18 years later he died of non-smoker's lung cancer.  In the meantime, M brought amazing security, grounding, safety, resilience, determination, integrity, persistence, and loyalty into my life.  We had beautiful adventures of travel and dining and settling and playing and dancing and bringing babies into our world and parenting.  We grew and expanded and embraced and laughed and cried and held on through extraordinary adventures.  I am thankful in every moment that he asked me if I wanted to dance.  And that we kept dancing.  In our lives together, we had one amazing LoveFest.

After M's death, I held onto my dear friends, riding out the thunderstorms and waves of loss and transition.  By necessity, I stepped into my ability to manage more than I ever have before.  I moved into mothering three young children on my own while also managing an entire world of other details M had finessed.  I found ways to play with my friends, to focus upon what was most important, to make the most of the last minute, to find some balance in the endless waves of lists, to juggle the needs of others and myself.  As a necessity for my healthy, my meditation and gratitude practice took flight.  In all the ups and downs of this part of my life, I trusted the waves to carry me higher than I'd ever been.

And that was the place in which I got to reconnect with my friend J.  He had been finding the shape of hearts in his life for as long as he could remember, sending photos of these hearts to his parents and son.  He manifested love in beautiful ways as I LoveFested with my people.  When J asked to hold my hand on our first walk, neither of us were looking for romance.  We were simply walking and laughing with a friend who held beautiful energy.  We found it easy to love one another, to raise the other up just by being ourselves.

As our personal heart-centered LoveFest expands and includes more people, we find great comfort in the connections we share, in the high vibrations we grow, in how our love for one another makes us stronger on our own.  J reminds me often that he is simply holding a mirror up for me to see the beauty others already see in me, that I am strong and capable on my own.  He helps me to stand in my own power as we walk side by side.  We talk often about how it is such a gift and a privilege to have had two great loves in our lives, of the privilege of bringing our first great loves so fully into our current relationship.  We are aware of the blessings and challenges in our situation.  Together we are grateful for each step of the way as we intentionally raise each other up.  In all my life, I have never known so acutely the results of manifesting my destiny through raising my thoughts.  In holding gratitude for my unfolding story, I add sparkle and delight to whatever unfolds.  I am so very grateful for these blessings in my life, in the lives of my children.  We are blessed beyond measure and we will not take that for granted.  We lovingly continue on with our LoveFest.

Intentional manifestation

Changing Course

As a Caucasian woman, I have had the incredible privilege of being enfolded as part of a loyal, focused Asian family for the last 18 years.  I feel enormous gratitude for these years as the good daughter-in-law and wife and mother.  As I expand to embrace my 40th year and my widowhood with three young children, I can see myself in a new light.

For the last 18 years, M's family has been my family.  In my own biological family, my only brother has chosen not to be in our lives, my parents live a quiet life a couple hours away, I've gotten to know my grandmother in the last several years, and my other relatives live far away.  Wanting more family in my life, I naturally leaned into the comfort and security of M's family.  In our world, each family unit has its own culture.  I was lovingly embraced within M's family culture.  They became my family.  They are now mourning the loss of our beloved M.  It would be comforting for others to see me grieving for years as the single mother of three young children.  That was the plan... if one could plan.  As I grieved the loss of my beloved M, I stepped more fully into my power and independence and possibilities.  I embraced play and laughter, encouraged by our children and dreams.  We stepped playfully into the next phase of our lives.

As I step more fully into my own strengths and knowingness, I feel the pull between family cultures.  I feel the pull to continue to follow my in-laws' advice.  There is also a pull to calculatingly trust others outside the family.  This is a delicate transition for our family, as I hold the love of M with me always and also make space to fall in love with someone new.  In shifting my perspective, I choose to see this change as a way to lovingly hold onto my in-laws while also making space to welcome another family into our lives.  It is an awesome privilege to get to navigate this journey as we embrace our growing human family.

Lessons Learned through Dying and Living

I am so grateful for my life!  I am so thankful for getting to mother these three beautiful children.  I am so thankful for all I've been through, all the lessons I have learned, all the tears and laughter I have gotten to experience.  Months ago I took notes of the important things I wanted to talk about after my husband died of non-smoker's lung cancer at a young age.  These notes aren't comforting or thrilling.  They are part of my lessons.

Avoid working in old buildings.
Get radon testing in your home.
Stay healthy in all ways.
Balance mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual health as best as possible.
Give great thanks for these extraordinary lives we get to live.
Each life and each day is an immense gift.
Focus on what makes you happy, on what feels good.
Laugh, cry, smile, touch.
Love those around you as completely as you can.
Fall deeply and madly in love with yourself.
Everything else will fall into place.