LoveFesting

For years I've been talking with my friends about LoveFesting.  I see this Festival of Love as the connection of deep love that runs between the loved ones' overflowing hearts.  This phrase can be adopted and adapted as the user lovingly intends.  I have been LoveFesting for years.

I have had three big romantic relationships in my life.  My first was when I was 18, leaving my parents' home, adrift in the big world for the first time.  I wanted to be loved.  I found a partner who could help me find more of myself in the swirl of life, though not a great long term match.  I was thankful to move beyond that first relationship.

When I met M, I had been working full-time, going to school half-time, learning to fly tiny airplanes as a student pilot, ice skating every weekend, gathering regularly with a wonderful group of coworkers, attending family reunions, driving around the country, and embracing independence and adventure.  I was very happy, full, and LoveFesting with healthy people.  M found me dancing in a little bar on Belmont in Portland, Oregon.  I was dancing with friends, two men and one woman.  M asked me if I wanted to dance.  In my literalism and defiance, I kept dancing without response.  I didn't need a dance partner to continue dancing.  So we danced... into the night.  The first thing I asked him was if he smoked.  It was a bad habit I didn't want to bring into my life.  18 years later he died of non-smoker's lung cancer.  In the meantime, M brought amazing security, grounding, safety, resilience, determination, integrity, persistence, and loyalty into my life.  We had beautiful adventures of travel and dining and settling and playing and dancing and bringing babies into our world and parenting.  We grew and expanded and embraced and laughed and cried and held on through extraordinary adventures.  I am thankful in every moment that he asked me if I wanted to dance.  And that we kept dancing.  In our lives together, we had one amazing LoveFest.

After M's death, I held onto my dear friends, riding out the thunderstorms and waves of loss and transition.  By necessity, I stepped into my ability to manage more than I ever have before.  I moved into mothering three young children on my own while also managing an entire world of other details M had finessed.  I found ways to play with my friends, to focus upon what was most important, to make the most of the last minute, to find some balance in the endless waves of lists, to juggle the needs of others and myself.  As a necessity for my healthy, my meditation and gratitude practice took flight.  In all the ups and downs of this part of my life, I trusted the waves to carry me higher than I'd ever been.

And that was the place in which I got to reconnect with my friend J.  He had been finding the shape of hearts in his life for as long as he could remember, sending photos of these hearts to his parents and son.  He manifested love in beautiful ways as I LoveFested with my people.  When J asked to hold my hand on our first walk, neither of us were looking for romance.  We were simply walking and laughing with a friend who held beautiful energy.  We found it easy to love one another, to raise the other up just by being ourselves.

As our personal heart-centered LoveFest expands and includes more people, we find great comfort in the connections we share, in the high vibrations we grow, in how our love for one another makes us stronger on our own.  J reminds me often that he is simply holding a mirror up for me to see the beauty others already see in me, that I am strong and capable on my own.  He helps me to stand in my own power as we walk side by side.  We talk often about how it is such a gift and a privilege to have had two great loves in our lives, of the privilege of bringing our first great loves so fully into our current relationship.  We are aware of the blessings and challenges in our situation.  Together we are grateful for each step of the way as we intentionally raise each other up.  In all my life, I have never known so acutely the results of manifesting my destiny through raising my thoughts.  In holding gratitude for my unfolding story, I add sparkle and delight to whatever unfolds.  I am so very grateful for these blessings in my life, in the lives of my children.  We are blessed beyond measure and we will not take that for granted.  We lovingly continue on with our LoveFest.

Intentional manifestation

Changing Course

As a Caucasian woman, I have had the incredible privilege of being enfolded as part of a loyal, focused Asian family for the last 18 years.  I feel enormous gratitude for these years as the good daughter-in-law and wife and mother.  As I expand to embrace my 40th year and my widowhood with three young children, I can see myself in a new light.

For the last 18 years, M's family has been my family.  In my own biological family, my only brother has chosen not to be in our lives, my parents live a quiet life a couple hours away, I've gotten to know my grandmother in the last several years, and my other relatives live far away.  Wanting more family in my life, I naturally leaned into the comfort and security of M's family.  In our world, each family unit has its own culture.  I was lovingly embraced within M's family culture.  They became my family.  They are now mourning the loss of our beloved M.  It would be comforting for others to see me grieving for years as the single mother of three young children.  That was the plan... if one could plan.  As I grieved the loss of my beloved M, I stepped more fully into my power and independence and possibilities.  I embraced play and laughter, encouraged by our children and dreams.  We stepped playfully into the next phase of our lives.

As I step more fully into my own strengths and knowingness, I feel the pull between family cultures.  I feel the pull to continue to follow my in-laws' advice.  There is also a pull to calculatingly trust others outside the family.  This is a delicate transition for our family, as I hold the love of M with me always and also make space to fall in love with someone new.  In shifting my perspective, I choose to see this change as a way to lovingly hold onto my in-laws while also making space to welcome another family into our lives.  It is an awesome privilege to get to navigate this journey as we embrace our growing human family.

New Love

Each Wednesday I have a beloved friend, whom I call "my favorite wife", love on my children while I go play with other adults.  This is a way for me to see a different friend each week, investing in relationships that feed my soul.  I've been on thai-curry-and-ice-cream dates with a friend whose husband has just died.  I've been on watching-ducks-on-flood-plains-in-the-park dates with a single dad friend in Washington.  I've been on Goodwill-bins-and-Irish-car-bomb-drink dates with my attorney's legal secretary, my smoking hot friend who wears all black and gifts me mixed CDs.  I've been on bibimbap dates with groups of laughing and crying homeschooling girlfriends.  I've been on talk-about-everything-in-our-hearts dates with my beloved cousin-in-law's wife.  I've gotten to go on dates with my cross-country-motorcycling-line-dancing-farmer friend.  Other dates too.  There are wild plans for many more dates without children.  What an adventure!  I look forward to and cherish these playful Wednesday night dates!

Six weeks ago, with a last minute cancellation, I couldn't find a Wednesday night date.  I sat in my car outside the accountant's office, crying over the intensity of assembling all my family's financial information for the last year.  This is one of the zillion responsibilities my partner used to manage that I know get to tackle and embrace.  The many firsts as a widow can be surprisingly hard.  In planning my evening, I dried my eyes for a moment to look at movie listings.  With a good movie, attending a show alone can be awesome.  My choices that day were children's movies, war films, and horror flicks.  I would rather sit alone in my car than choose one of these.  And I was going to... until my friend J said he could step out of his son's class for a walk.  This stepping out of class shifted more than either of us expected.  I had met this friend in my Dougy Center Pathways Program group in July.  My partner died last autumn and my family transitioned out of the Pathway Program.  J and I somehow forgot to exchange phone numbers, though I kept in touch with others from the group.

Four months later, my son wanted to go to a specific arcade, and we couldn't go until Monday after errands.  When we were a block from the arcade, I spotted two familiar people.  I didn't know in that moment who they were, but I knew I needed to stop to talk with them.  My family got out of the car and we visited with J and his son for 45 minutes.  We greeted each other with hugs and were so happy to see each other again.  J held my wee babe as our big kids played in the trees.  We all endlessly talked and laughed.  I noticed how much I was laughing with J, knew it had been a long time since I'd laughed that much, and thought of how I'd like to spend more time laughing with J.  When it was time to go our separate ways, J buckled my wee one into her carseat and we worked through our busy schedules to plan a play date for six weeks later.  So it was J who agreed to a spontaneous walk on that date night when no other friend was available.

For that first walk, we strolled into the sunset, holding hands, and laughing.  We went on a hike the next day.  Sitting atop Rocky Butte, holding hands, we shared more details of our personal stories with one another.  J said he didn't think he was ready for a romantic relationship.  I said, "Me neither,... but doesn't this feel nice?"  The next day we went to the library and snuggled into a corner with windows and books with my wee babe.  Since then, we have had a "hot date" with each other every night via text or telephone.  And our connection and love for one another continues to grow.  We are so grateful for each other, feeling like our partners have hand-selected us for one another.  We feed and support and heal each other in ways others cannot.  J loves my children so gently, playfully, and lovingly.  As his only son grows more independent, he treasures this connection with my younger children who still want to hear bedtime stories, talk about their day, and hold hands.  My children and I are discovering new depth within ourselves, feeling more grounded, excited, supported, and playful than we have in a long while.  With our new loves in our lives, my children are laughing their way to greater independence, resilience, perseverance, and joy.

Just a few days ago we opened up our schedules and got to play with J's son again.  We greeted each other with hugs and then spent an hour slamming each other with dodge balls in a room of trampolines.  Pizza, puns, and chocolates were the sweet ending to our first family date.  It is such a surprising experience for my children and me to fall slowly and fully in love with J and his son.  We are thankful for these extraordinary people every day as our connections grow stronger.  I hold no specific destination in my heart for where this new love will lead.  I trust we are following our hearts and moving in the right direction.  I trust myself in these choices, in leading my children to more loving connections with each other, in finding more patience and grace within my parenting toolbox, in moving more completely into my own strength and color, and in following our hearts to create space for those that love us back so fully.  I am so grateful every day for this new love that reflects for me my own strength and beauty, for this love that brings new light into our lives, and for this love that brings my children and me closer to our true selves.

Manifesting overflowing hearts everywhere...