Infinite Possibilities

When my mind and heart have been processing so much, it is hard to find the focus around which to begin.  Our world is changing.  Most of us know the density of darkness and are reaching for the light.  We search for human connection and building bridges to higher ground.  My focus now is to keep my own energy positive, inclusive, and solution-focused.  My prayers are for moving toward our most benevolent outcomes, especially when we can feel so divided in holding onto specific results.  My goal each day is to fill myself with so much radiant light of unconditional love that it leaks out into the world around me.  Yes, my adoration of adjectives and togethering is a bit much for some.  I like to think my love for humanity (both personal and general) softens others in ways that benefit the world.  When buying lunch for the stranger behind me in the restaurant's drive-thru line, I feel a softening between humans with differing opinions.

I often feel like my life is a theatrical performance and I am merely an enthusiastic member of the audience.  Lately, my life has been like a musical.  This is one way I build my energy.  I sing wherever I am.  I talk with myself in public.  I find myself funny.  Though you will find me singing and dancing through some of my days, my life contains plenty of dark to contrast the light.  My darkness helps me search for even more light.

In some way, my intentionally high energy level and appreciation in challenging moments and relationships has led me to more instant manifestation.  When I am feeling aglow with the wonder of our world, more high vibration possibilities present themselves.  Last week I was taking a bath while a friend watched our wee toddler.  I was in the bath meditatively sending love bombs to people I love who are ill.  As I got out of the bath, my friend called to ask if she could bring wee Charlotte to me so I could have more time by myself at home (instead of my leaving early to pick her up myself).  Other pieces of my puzzle began to come together and my heart overflowed to others.  There were so many awesome ripples from that one meditative bath that I cannot now recall them.

When M was dying, an extraordinary woman came into our lives to help us.  Shari is a friend of a friend of a friend and is now a member of our family.  She generally comes for several hours each week to do so many things a wife does: childcare, human jungle gym for children, play, laugh, hug, rub my back while I cry on the floor, dishes, laundry, shuttle children, prepare dinner and lunches, sell my goods on Craigslist.  I tell her often she is my favorite wife.  She loves on my children while I run errands, send emails, shower, and have dinner with other adults.  Shari has been spending time with her mid-western family the last couple weeks and I've been on my own in parenting.  It's a little hard to get along without a wife once you get used to having someone around to spot you.

In Shari's absence, another friend's friend's friend came to love on our children.  This young woman from South America loves beautifully on my children while I get time to sort tax forms and run errands.  I also get to practice my very rusty Spanish.  New Spanish words are bending my brain in awesome ways.  This new friend is working for us in her extra time to help her sister buy a home.  And in my own zany ways, I let her know how much I appreciate her presence in our lives.

My family has planned and build our dream home perfect for our family of five.  Now that we are a family of four, we are completing and selling the construction home.  Just as I was ready to pay for home upgrades and staging, we received an offer on our home.  Awesome.  That buyer slowly backed out of the buying process, and in their place was another buyer.  Just tonight we've had a counter offer accepted!

What amazing lives we get to lead when we open our hearts to ourselves and one another, when we find delight in the moment.  There is such beauty in maintaining some unattachment to specific outcomes and watching our own stories unfold before us.  I am so grateful for the awesomeness that flows through my life, in and through and out, like breath.  I am so grateful for my lungs that open and fill me with radiant joy in each intentional moment.  I am so grateful for the infinite possibilities of our humanity... and the freewill to move toward the light together.

Time for Ascending

I get to take a class year on the ascension process.  For me, ascension means to raise our personal vibrations, resulting in benefits for everyone around to witness the shift.  In my new class, I have homework.  Daily homework.  For one year.  Each day my task is to find one way to raise my vibration.  Thankfully these little challenges can fit into small moments.  This project is simple and complex at the same time, as is much of life.  Here is my log so far.

Day One: I sat quietly, breathing in through my heart, and out with love for my whole being.
Day Two: I made a financial contribution to something that feels good to me.
Day Three: I called my electric company to shift my power from natural gas to wind power.
Day Four: I loaded up my porch with unloved goods and invited strangers from "Buy Nothing" on Facebook to take everything home.
Day Five: I picked up cereal and a sweatshirt from a neighboring strangers home and left them love notes.
Day Six: Blog about how I love the privilege of being alive in this life.

My mind loves to focus upon how to I can raise my vibration each day, hold onto that vibration, remind myself to breath, to spend most of my time around others that help me feel good, to focus on the beauty in our world.  What wonderful homework!  Feel good homework.  My favorite kind.

My Morning Meditation

A dear friend asked me today how I maintain my positive attitude while I am still fresh with grief.  Many people have asked me this.  My main idea on this is an intentional and constant state of appreciation.  When life serves lemons, I look at the moments of sweet lemonade.  They are everywhere to find: the smile of a child, a baby's morning hair, the humor of how slowly my son puts on his socks (and shirt and pants...) in the morning.  This constant intentional search for the silver lining has brought me great delight.  Yes, sometimes I lay on the floor and cry, sometimes I hide in the closet, sometimes I sob loudly when alone in the car with the music up very high.  I feel the lows.  Trust that we all experience lower moments and grief in our own ways.  In each of these lower moments, I trust it will pass and make way for learning and creating and rest.  It is the highs that I choose to focus upon.  The highs of life, how blessed we are to get to be humans at this time in our human history, are what I intend to hold. 

Along with intentional appreciation, I notice my days are extraordinary when I start the day with 20 minutes of my own personal meditation.  I've compiled this meditation with the help of a two years of ascension classes with profound teachers.  I have used almost the exact same words in my meditation for several years.  Within this meditation, I call into action angels and helpers that I understand to already be a part of my body and soul.  I do it within my mind and heart as I lay with my sleeping children.  I have now set two alarms: one to wake me to start the meditation and one to signal time for us all to get out of our beds and begin another day.  I wrote a little about this meditation three years ago, and here I am detailing each word I use within my meditation.  Again, my intention of sharing this personal practice is to inspire some creativity within your own life.  I have no expectation for if and how you meditate.  May you know how blessed and held you truly are.

My morning meditation:

"Oh, God, I love my life!  My name is Jenn Smith Layton Beagley Jensdatter Bensdatter Haworth Simer Raybold Allen Warr Wayman (add as many as ancestral surnames as desired) Merfee-t.  I appreciate my mother's mother's ancestors all the way back to the beginning and all the way back to the stars."  Repeat for mother's father's ancestors, father's mother's ancestor, and father's father's ancestors."  

"My intention is to stand firmly grounded upon the new ascended earth, to be in harmony with the planetary shifts, to rise in vibrational frequency with my physical form to 5D (ascended state)."  

"Please fully merge with me now (original) True Self."  Feel merge after each one.  "Please full merge with me Body Protector... Angel of Neutrality (non-judgement)... and Gate Keeper (allow contact only with vibrations as high as self or greater)."  

"These energies I'm creating here (envision them), pulling up from the earth and sending out into the universe... These energies I'm pulling down from the universe (envision and feel), down from the solar flares (envision and feel them), and the star nations (beam of light from long-ago ancestors, envision and feel them),... May these energies flow through me all of this waking day for the healing of self and mother earth for the most benevolent outcome.  May they flow fully through me with every breath, every beat of my heart, every blink of my eyes.  May these energies fully energize my Ka (energy body, envision and feel), bring incredible physical health (envision and feel), incredible mental clarity (envision and feel), and incredible emotional stability (envision and feel)."  I feel the light within and move through my day with this image and feeling.

"Oh, God, I love my life."  I reflect on the details I cherish within my life.

Lighting the Way

Dearest Readers,

My intention within my family is to guide our family toward joy, light, grace, and connection.  Some days that is quite the challenge.  My beautiful son refused to close the bathroom door this morning, to keep his baby sister safe.  This small choice escalated until three of us were shouting.  Thankfully this is rare for us.  We are juggling a lot of emotions here.  Yesterday we met teachers for our immersion in public school.  This morning we got a reconfirmation of my partner's lung cancer diagnosis.  He is, at this moment, getting an MRI on his brain.

When displeased with the course of emotions this morning, I stepped out of my routine and into my prayer space.  I gave great thanks for these lives we live together, for the opportunity to grow and know this too shall pass.  I stepped into intentionally connecting with friends and renewing my connection with myself.  I got to sit outside with a friend to open my heart and drink tea, meditated in the wind, watch the birds move about in preparations for autumn, listen to music that feels good, prepare for my craft of choice: card creations, let go of my children's academic rigamarole, get out of the way of my children's play, delight in my baby sleeping on my back, and plan a date with a friend's trampoline.

My children and I will soon be soothing ourselves with wrestling, walking barefoot outdoors, eating (washed) produce out of the garden, cuddling.  It is nice to know that we are doing our best, releasing control of what is outside of ourselves, letting our children know our expectations of not hurting others, honesty about feeling depleted from interactions, talking about how we take care of each other and make deposits and withdrawals in relationships, and that we can recover from a challenging moment and find great blissening within many other moments of our day.  I love my partner.  I love my children.  I love them as my greatest teachers.  I love the gift of their lives intermingled with mine.  I love the ability to connect with myself through these writings.  I love the space in which to connect.

Joyfully yours,
Jennifer

Musical Explorations

We've found music education to be one of our favorite activities to share.  My children sit at the piano (with reminders) to practice their songs each day.  We love to explore sound and rhythm with instruments found in our homes and in friends' homes.  These big kids are memorizing lyrics from their dad's favorite songs and singing them together.  Music is a such a treasure to share.

Showing off all her hard work at a piano lesson

Composing and playing his own piano music

Drumming it up at a friend's house

Electronic keyboard explorations

Reconnecting with Self-Caring Balance

When I cycle into focusing so intently upon the care of others and grow silent and invisible within myself, there are ways to bring myself back into my personal light and balance.  This cycle of caring for others versus myself is a constant balancing act for me as a mother of young children.  My first challenge is to recognize what is happening.  Signs for me slipping into this cycle are a disinterest in socializing and healthy eating, lower energy, more fatigue, less patient and gentle with my children, hopelessness about a situation, feeling lonely, overwhelmed by what is usually manageable, etc.  I also grow silent with myself, my partner, my children, and my friends.  When out of balance, my heart and mind are not open for new experiences and sharing my thoughts with others.

Once I recognize this cycle, I choose to climb my way out of it.  This is the most challenging and least comfortable part of the process for me.  These are my steps to find my way back to my personal light, the life within myself that I reflect back out into the world.

1. I recognize I'm out of balance and not meeting my own needs.
2. I intentionally choose to take steps to regain balance.
3. I ask myself questions in my journal (or head) and make a list for each one.
4. "What makes me happy?"
5. "How do I show love and care for myself?"  
6. "What example do I want to set for my children?"
7. "What does my balanced, healthy self suggest?"
8. When the last question is just too challenging, I ask myself, "My healthy, balanced friend, what would she suggest?"
9. "What lesson is presenting itself to be learned in this situation?"
10. "What could possibly be the silver lining here?"
11. Take small steps of showing myself love.
1. Find some small space for solitude.
2. Take an Epsom salt bath.
3. Slather myself with essential oils.
4. Journal all my woes and feeling out onto paper, search for the silver lining, and make a list of steps to make the most of the current lessons.
5. Cry.  This is an incredible release for me.  A few minutes afterward I feel much lighter.
6. Spend time with my spiritual helpers and guides, such as angels, Jesus, etc.  This can be as simple as imagining their comforting light near me.
7. Meditate, even if its in bed and looks like sleeping.
8. Breath and rest outside.
9. Tend to the garden.
10. Take a shower.  Brush my teeth and hair.
11. Call or otherwise connect with a friend.
12. Make a date with a friend.
13. Eat foods that taste good to me, avoiding sugars.  My family will enjoy whatever I crave.
14. Hum.  I know I am on the upswing when I can hum.  Humming is my gateway to singing, dancing, smiling, and laughing.
15. Express my appreciations individually to those who support me (love letters!) and on social media.
16. Spend time with high vibration, positive, inspiring, comforting people.

When I recognize this cycle, ask for support from others, and take steps to return to my balanced self, each time the cycle is less devastating.  This last week I was surprised to journal about feeling incredible loneliness, yet as I sobbed and released my emotions, I more quickly made my way back into balance.  In identifying my own processes and resources, I find I rebound more quickly.  It is so very true, the more I tend to my own needs, the more full I am to care for others.  My family benefits from little steps and moments I claim for the care of my own personal light.  From this place of self-care and self-love, it is simply bliss.

How do you recognized your own self-less cycle?

What steps do you take to get back into balance?

Talisman Tree

My children and I have joyously prepared talisman for several firewalks.  We have not attended the last two due to our stomach flu and state fire restrictions.  Now my children and I each have two talisman that haven't yet been burned.  They continue to grow in power as they rest in our prayer room, next to me as I type.  I love our talisman tree, as we've come to call it.  It is full of masks, ladybug fabric, colorful quilting strips, and prayer ties filled with tobacco, corn meal, and many prayers.  My intention with the last talisman was to release my resistances and to bring in laughter.  I found myself laughing as I created these prayer ties and still find the answers to my prayers coming in daily.  Liam intended to bring in stars and Hannah chose to manifest friendship.  I give such thanks for the opportunity to set intentions with my children and to release them to the divine when the time is right.  Blessings abound!

Joyously creating prayer ties

Our talisman tree

Nighttime Love Letters

At 4:00 this morning, I was called to awaken and embrace this new day.  As I'd been looking forward to this moment, robustly pregnant with my third child, I joyfully answered the call.  Out of bed alone in the dark, I journaled for the first time in weeks.  I made lists of what I've been focusing upon, what I've been calling forth into my life, and what I intend to release.  In these lists, I identified areas of my life that drain my energy, such as expecting my own parental perfection and the termination of a couple relationships.

Sitting with a pile of homemade greeting cards, I wrote love letters to those previous friends, releasing guilt and disharmony while sharing loving appreciation.  I wrote love letters to a few dear friends, one needing support at a difficult phase of her life.

After opening and releasing and appreciating through these cards, I was finally ready to open to my partner.  I wrote him a note to share how much I appreciate his endless, boundless support, how he encourages me to be better than I think I can be, how he uses humor, playfulness, and tasks to show how he loves and likes me.  Partnership is a challenging task made more complex by parenthood.  What a privilege to choose to view my partner in all his human details as well-intentioned and brimming with benevolence.

I appreciate taking the time to care for myself in the morning quietness.  I appreciate making space for this openness that allows me to share my gratitude with my partner.  I appreciate that in the span it took to type this out, our day has blossomed: my sleepy son found me, took a little nap by my side, was cuddled by his daddy, joined by my daughter, and now my two children are choosing their own cards for love letters at my side.  What gifts.

Intentionally Shifting Perspective

Nesting to make way for a third child, surrounded by people whose faith and choices are different from my own, focusing on the needs of my children and partner, I've noticed my growing silence.  Self-care had taken a backseat since my body began providing for this welcomed third child.  I had left behind exercise, personally enriching classes, and my social and solitary time.  I had reasons and excuses for each release of self-care.  When it came down to it, I was turning into a shell of myself.  This wasn't benefiting anyone.

A few days ago I explored my personal loneliness through journaling.  I detailed the areas of my life that don't fulfill me.  Exploring these areas felt devastatingly sad.  Now that I can see areas of deficit, I get to choose to do something about them.  I have opened up gently to my partner about my concerns and thoughts on our projects and processes.  I have reached out to loving, safe women.  I have found silver lining where before I could see only heartache.

Specifically, I was able to express to my partner my desire to live in a small, sustainable home crafted of green materials near a forest.  We are moving toward living in a larger home on a small bit of land.  Through gentle conversations, I intentionally shifted my perspective to see that this larger home does fit the current needs of my family and the desires of my partner and provides green space for me to grow more of our food.  It brings me great joy to imagine someday living in a sustainable pod in the backyard under the trees while my adult children live within the big house.  I choose to love this plan.

Since we've had children, I put up a wall in myself relating to my partner whenever he is around.  I internally succumb to his plans and preferences and give up my power.  Areas of my life where I feel pressure to please are: making homeschooling look like school and clean the house and begin dinner preparations before his arrival from work each day.  After further dialogue and reflection, I now intend to shift my sight from blaming him for uncomfortable pressures and toward ways I choose to personally to care for my home and family.  I see the dishes, laundry, dinners, and checks and balances within home education as a way to show my love for my family, to model joyous responsibility, and to take steps to create a joyous home environment.  Now instead of wanting my partner to think the house was clean all day, I openly admit the house was a disaster and we have just cleaned it.  I voice that I prefer to make our family dinners so my children consume meals from scratch that include enough vegetables.  Once again opening communication in my marriage is a big part of this new perspective.  Releasing myself from blaming others for my stress and accepting it as my own allows me to shift my view, my choices, and my story.

In identifying my social isolation as my schedule revolves around my children and we spend very little time with biological family, I've made an effort to reconnect and spend face-to-face time with friends.  My children and I have hosted two informal gatherings to welcome our third child.  My sister-in-law and I plan to get together for a tea date.  I have set up dates with a few parenting friends.  Time with like-minded friends allows me to openly discuss my feelings, processes, present adventures, and what matters to us both: our faith in humanity, our intentional parenting, and our direct healing of Mother Earth.  I open myself to connecting with others and trust that my prayers will continue to be answered in abundance.

I am able to journal.  When hormones and thirst wake me at 4:00 in the morning, I meditate for an hour in bed (looks just like sleeping), and then get up to write in my prayer room.  This is a way for me to check in with myself and to allow space to focus on what is calling my attention.  In this way, I am able to identify and release my own resistances and step more fully into this life I love living with my amazing family.

As for exercise, my yoga ball is a wonderful companion.  My children love to play loud music that gets me to dance.  Most of my day is spent on my feet, I love gardening, and intend to very soon embark on family walks.  Today may just be that day to begin!

I move from a space of density into lightness.  As I am once again able to sing, to find my personal song, I begin to create and express, to smile and laugh.  For these answered prayers, I give such great thanks and share these awakened blessings with others.  This life and these lessons are such gifts.

Today I Appreciate...

Today I appreciate two hours alone.
I appreciate calling my mother for an un
interrupted telephone conversation.
I appreciate harvesting calendula seeds in the shade.
I appreciate moving my way through a long list of tasks.
I appreciate planning social time, sometimes with children, sometimes without.
I appreciate cold watermelon on a hot day.
I appreciate finishing books and returning them to the library.
I appreciate making plans to plant black-eyed susan flowers and rhubarb.
I appreciate ripe figs and blueberries from our own garden.
I appreciate showing up early instead of late to be there to support friends.
I appreciate knowing all these energies swirling are not mine.
I appreciate letting these energies flow and go where they are needed.
I appreciate the gifts of this unique day.

Living in the Moment

We have been living in the moments (soundtrack here).  Yes, that's what we've been up to.  We've been quilting, organizing, painting with spin art, reading and writing stories, assembling puzzles, and playing for hours in the yard and garden.  It's nice to stop for a moment to breath after the endings of scheduled academic activities.  To rest in this transition time into summer, as all time is transitioning from one something into another, brings peace and grace.  The world swirls around us and we are here in the center of it as we stop to smell the flowers, to refill our bags with library books, to sit in the tiny wading pool, and to rest in our togetherness.  Sometimes we are the swirling, though we still hold this center of calm within us.  For example, today we have many activities and tasks to accomplish, yet here I am typing away in solitude while my children brush their teeth and pick wild flowers for our friend in the hospital.  There is peace within each moment, purposeful or otherwise.  What a nice moment this is.

Silver Lining in Death

My partner's beloved aunt died last week.  One of his uncles is now fighting to keep his body alive.  While many in our circle are pregnant, we also look forward to the arrival of our third baby in a few months.  Life and death surround us in this grand human theater.  I love my people so deeply.  I stopped watching television news and violent movies a decade ago because I empathically felt each sad and frightening story was about my own family.  (I regulate my sensory needs by understanding violent non-fiction stories through books.)  I love my friends as if they are my brothers, sisters, daughters, sons, grandparents, and parents.  I am moving into understanding our connection as one big human family, into knowing I am capable of feeling and doing most things experienced by fellow humans.

When my loved ones pass, as my partner's aunt did last week, I know the loss and sadness and suffering surrounding death.  I hang on for the swirl of emotions felt around me, as if in a storm.  I know not all loved ones are easy to love, as each life journey provides unique lessons and struggles.

I also do my best to focus on the silver lining.  I feel myself and others surrounded and supported by waves of love, grace, and appreciation for sharing such love with the departed one.  I see the gathering of family and friends.  I see younger people playing together, older people catching up on the years apart.  I see hugs, connecting, and relationships.  Most of all, I see the love.  The sad beauty of love shared with another.

I comfort myself by finding my own silver lining.  I find solace in spending time with loved ones, sharing in the stories and swirl of emotions, and revisiting meaningful songs and sources that soothe my soul.  (A few of my favorites are below.)  I release some tears, hold hands, breathe, and look find the jems of appreciations in this amazing journey we share with one another.

All You Need is Love by the Beatles

Existential Bummer, Shots of Awe by Jason Silva

Fall in Love or Die Trying, Shots of Awe by Jason Silva
"Life should be lived to the point of tears, so fall in love or die trying."

Faith in Dying

The elders in my family are very actively aging and dying.  I appreciate such beauty and sadness within this process.  I see great beauty in the love we feel for each other and great sadness in how we mourn the loss of beloved ones.

While my 88-year-old grandmother was staying with us for two weeks, she talked of her faith in going to Heaven to be with her departed beloved ones when she dies.  In contrast, my 91-year-old neighbor is terrified of death, having no idea of what awaits her after this life.  I ask her if she can imagine a reunion with her beloved husband, though she shakes her head and holds tightly to her fight to live forever.

My partner's uncle is now fighting for his survival.  I am comforted in knowing he has likely had conversations with his spiritual wife about an afterlife.  Another of my partner's beloved aunts passed a few days ago.  Both she and her husband have a comforting faith in an afterlife.  Her husband calmly shared "She's already on to her next life."

One need not attend a weekly service or practice to fully immerse yourself in an afterlife faith, though it seems to make a spiritual belief more comforting and concrete when surrounded by active spiritual practice and like-minded believers.  Dying is not easy.  Some say it is the biggest thing we will ever do with our lives, or at least the grand finale for which all of our lives prepare us.  We have invested so much energy and faith into living.  Death is indeed difficult on those left behind without their loved one.

I find such peace personally in having gone through training as a shamanic practitioner to discuss afterlife possibilities with others.  It naturally works into heartfelt conversation.  My training allows me to see we choose our own adventure after our body expires.  We can call upon God, Buddha, Muhammad, Jesus, or others who have created a path into a specific afterlife.  When we call upon that entity, we are taken directly to the afterlife described by them.  Each path is valid and real to the believer.  There's also the choice to be indecisive and terrified and to roam around trying to stay human.  We then attach to living people, fragmenting and polluting humanity.  (Shamans heal this toxic relationship with "compassionate soul release".)  Another option is to rest in the dark void, to sit and meditate, to see the infinite possibilities for our own souls before choosing one.

I've had the privilege of seeing my possible death journey in my courses.  I saw my soul split into three pieces upon my physical death, as do many ancient cultures.  After saying goodbye to my loved ones, one part of my soul went back into the earth as a steward, one part moved into being a Guardian Angel for my loved ones, and another went to sit in the dark void to ponder possibilities.  My death journey is ever evolving, though my faith comforts me.  I take comfort in talking with others about their thoughts of afterlife.

After exploring my own possible death process, I talked with my mother about it.  As a life-long Christian woman, she was stunned to think she had a choice.  She fairly yelled at me, "We have a choice?!"  So we talked and talked and continue to talk about our personal journeys in preparing for our own transitions.  When so much of our culture revolves around staying young and never dying, it feels wonderful to me to discuss the inevitability of death, our wildest desires of what we choose to do with our last act within these human bodies, and the adventures beyond.

Enoughness

I am enough.  Regardless of flaws that may appear obvious to me, I am enough, I do enough, I have enough.  I am so grateful for this time with my partner, children, friends, and extended family.  My life is so blessed.  I hear mainstream cultural messages reflected in the voices of others.  This message demands I understand my obligation to tirelessly strive to be/do/have enough.  We live in a culture of deficit: not enough money, time, or love.

What if I just step out of that smothering thought cloud and into my personal life?  I choose to be/see/live enoughness.  I see enough money to feed, shelter, and educate my family.  I see enough time to do the things that really matter, to rest, to be productive.  I see enough love to care for myself and all those in our lives, in ways large and small.

I could accept the deficits of not being able to fit in or pay for everything I desire.  Or I can choose to see myself surrounded by an abundance of everything I need to be healthy and happy.  As with many practices, this sounds simple and yet is not.  I choose to see the silver lining in the ability to choose what I do and for whom, instead of being everything to everyone.

One simple practice I love is to breath into my heart.  With each breath, I see my heart filled with energy.  As I release my breath, I see and feel the energy move to where it is most needed in my body.  This helps me center throughout the day and to know the abundance in my life.  With this simple breath, I intimately know my enoughness.

Appreciations & Manifestations Journal

One practice that brings me joy is my daily appreciation journal.  On the left page of my small journal I write my appreciations.  The more I focus on the blessings in my life, the more I find to bring me into the bliss of my little moments.

"Feeling grateful or appreciative of someone or something in your life actually attracts more of the things that you appreciate and value into your life." 

-Northrup Christiane

On the right is my list of what I intend to manifest.  My days are lighter and more intentional when I make the time to complete these journal pages.  With clear intentions, my days naturally flow toward my goals.  My friend Latisha has been doing this practice for months and finds she is now fluidly accomplishing very large intentions.  My goals are personal, looking small while feeling large.  They will grow as I do.

Here is my list for today.

I appreciate:

• happily watered flowers
• pouring rain
• purring kitties
• completed weekly homeschool
• family science time
• eating dinner together
• board games
• rain boots

I choose to manifest:

• laughter
• song on my lips
• joy in my heart throughout day
• use home-preserved goods
• consume more vegetables
• spirit-led writing
• exercise
• call and write Grandma

Morning Appreciations

I appreciate waking before my family to meditate in solitude.
I appreciate hot tea, fed kitties, and the hum of my computer.
I appreciate my son coming to sit on my lap before my first sentence is complete.
I appreciate the impression of his pillows still on his face.
I appreciate his warm hug and his hair in my face.
I appreciate his covering his coughs with his elbow.
I appreciate his planning his own half birthday celebrations.
I appreciate hearing the details of the necklace he created that I now wear.
I appreciate rising out of my chair to search for the green pipe cleaner my son kindly requests.

Removing False Masks

I am currently taking a class to understand the many masks I wear out in the world.  Our goal is to identify, name, remove, and discard the masks we wear that we think protect us.  They actually prevent us from knowing and showing our authentic selves and living our self-satisfying life.  It is true that when we take care of ourselves, we really are taking care of others.  Self-care is vital.  

I dutifully did my homework for this class, piecing together a list of masks.  The Stupid/Smart mask merged with Overachiever.  People Pleasure and Late Louisa were there too.  My completed flow chart was orderly and simplified with 15 masks.

When I got to the first class and was asked to talk about my masks, my words were stuck and my brain began to short circuit.  It would have been comical had it not been so terrifying.  The first words to come out were, "Oh, look, it's my happy mask!  I'd forgotten all about that one."  And then I uncovered my personal masks of Wounded Martyr, Lone Woman, Fear of Failure, Bean Counter, Runner, Overwhelm/Avoidance, Seen/Unseen, Mean Mommy, Wounded Self-Help Hound, among many others.

So now that I've discovered many masks, these simple steps are used with each one.  

1. Identify mask.
2. Remove mask.
3. Name mask.
4. Discard mask or set it aside.
5. Find your song, your joy.

I currently have three beautifully crafted paper mache masks in my prayer room, standing as a reminder to keep these masks off my face.  These three are my Happy Mask, Hopelessly Blue Mask, and Should Mask.

My song is what brings me joy.  My favorites are singing, dancing, crafting, finding bliss in the moment, and time in nature.

I find great joy in moving through these steps with each mask and standing in my own uniquely joyous song.  

The Burning of Bridget Cleary, Part 1

I am preparing to take a shamanic course on fairy doctoring, using fairy connections to heal humans.  In preparation, I've started reading The Burning of Bridget Cleary.  This book is the true story of a man murdering his wife because he believed she was possessed by fairies in 1895 Ireland.  This is very unlike books I usually choose.

After reading a fifth of the book one day last week, I've been thinking and dreaming of it since.  One night I had a dream of fairies attuning my throat chakra (energy center) to prepare for my speaking in a new way.  While this was uncomfortable, I knew I was protected by my angels.  I trust these attunements are moving me toward my most benevolent outcome.

The following night I dreamed of the Catholic church and the rules instituted upon ancient cultures in the book.  Again my throat burned as I visualized being whipped each time I tried to speak against the church's stories.  I imagined this is how the original cultures felt with the incoming of church's vastly different structures and rules.

Without reading further into this intriguing book, I find myself processing the events on a molecular level, as if clearing out and speaking of my family's cosmology.  I trust this journey with the fairies and appreciate this unfolding story as my life mingles with those long past.

(Part 2 is here.)

Following my own Path

Studying as a shamanic practitioner for the last two years has taught me so much.  Through these lessons I have learned to bring healing to myself and others, to connect more deeply to Jesus, God, the Divine in us all.  I hold tools to generate energy within my body, to clear energy of others, to manifest blessings.

As my family makes way for a blessed third child, I have pulled back from high level monthly courses.  As my classmates and friends move on in their class studies, I am slimming down to three weekend classes and focusing on my daily life routines.  In my personal life I am striving to create structure for my family's routines.  The more I focus on bringing myself into balance, the more my family benefits.

I've been focusing on bringing about my own mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual balance.  Goodness knows, there's a lot more to balance than all that.  Okay, so with regular exercise, vegetable consumption, daily meditations, moments of solitude and mindful breathing, and hanging out with my angels, I am feeling pretty good.  My children also have their daily responsibilities and needs: homeschool, getting outside, healthy meals, home chores, social time, a smidge of quiet time, and lots of free play.

Then I focus on singing and speaking from my heart while asking my children for the 47th time to please put on their clothes and practice the piano.  It has taken a long while to get to this point.  Each day is different, some high and some low.  While I am most often patient and loving, sometimes I shout and then stand in the closet to breath and hum my way back into my heart.

While I know my classmates are moving on in their level of spiritual practice, I know I am doing the same right here with my wee ones.  I am here for my family as I also show up for myself.  That is where I am in this moment and that is enough for me.  What a beautiful balance to know I am caring for others by caring for myself.  What blessed lives we lead.

Creating Peace on Thanksgiving

My husband, children, and I put a lot of time, energy, and love into hosting Thanksgiving each year.
Each year my family elaborates on hosting this day.  The guests bring the same scripts, while my little family shifts the framework.  This celebration changes form, as do we.

It amazes me how emotionally triggered I am by this one meal each year.  I have looked around enviously at friends with extended families.  I desired more for my children than the isolated family of four in which I was raised.  I had chosen to focus upon my own disconnect, disfunction, and disappointment.  It is so true, we bring into our lives that on which we focus.

Two years ago my little family spent days preparing the meal and setting.  We wrote personal appreciations on a little paper turkey for each guest.  Everyone sat at beautifully arranged place settings.  My partner set up a scavenger hunt for the children to find a lost turkey.  This kept families engaged for an hour after the meal before their departure.  My recollections of the evening are laughing children with fake mustaches and adults saying "thank you" and "That must have taken a long time to make these little turkeys."  It was very sweet, though in my greed I'd wanted more.

There was still lingering disappointment in my heart last November.  In knowing I am creator of my own reality, I chose to get to the bottom of these feelings.  There, where it always is, I found again how much I miss my estranged brother.  He chose to leave my life 14 years ago due to the painful childhood we shared.  When I realized once again how much I miss my only sibling, I chose to search for the silver lining.  I love silver lining.  Here is what I found.  My biological family hasn't been around much, so I've created a supportive, healthy community of loved ones I consider my additional family.  It's an awesome feeling to have so many wonderful people love my children, my partner, and me.  Ironically, they are with their own biological families to celebrate Thanksgiving.

Let it go, let it flow.  My dear friend Jasmine has been walking me through her own releasing of friends from their set roles.  When we step back from expectations and forward into joy, we watch the relationship shift, change, end, or grow.  Then there is freedom for others to enter our lives.  Sometimes my additional family seems to use a revolving door and only the most joyous and nourishing of relationships last.  If staying in relationship with someone is so difficult, perhaps we are trying to make them fit into a role they don't choose.

Family has been a theme for me for a long while.  I've been training as a shamanic practitioner for two years.  Within this practice, I have connected more deeply with my family lineage and living relatives.  I daily express great gratitude for this life I have been gifted by my ancestors all the way back to the beginning of humanity.

My shamanic friend who knew nothing of my childhood gifted me with a shamanic meditation.  Within the visualization, she guided me to see myself as a delicate, innocent flower, smashed under the black boot of my father in the name of tradition and control.  As this flower, I was smashed and held down for a long time.  Soon the violence ended and there was quiet, calm, and light.  I rose again, like the Phoenix, growing into a strong resilient blossom.  All around me were other blossoms, in trees, in grasses, in vases.  Each one of these flowers is a family member.  "See the flowers and know how much you are loved.  You are surrounded by family and they are there anytime you think of them."

This visualization last spring provided me with such comfort I was able to take a big step forward.  Shortly after this session, I attended my mother's mother's family reunion in Utah, where I met 40 new relatives and all my grandmother's siblings.  In late summer my daughter and I traveled to Missouri to meet my father's siblings, their children, and grandchildren.  Within the last year my biological family has gone from itty bitty to pretty big.  These relatives live at a distance, though our hearts are now changed and connected forever.

As with every year, last year at Thanksgiving season, I began anew to re-evaluate my definition of family.  I looked in the dictionary for a definition of family.  Down at the ninth definition I found what I'd been searching for.  "Family: those who share the same path, interests, goals."  I like it.  I choose to know that I am a part of one big human family.  My cats, friends, loved ones, and biological relatives are all family.

As per usual I invited my loved ones from all areas of my life to join us for the big day.  I put out an open invitation to all my classmates to join us if they chose.  It feels good to include them.  It feels good they have other gatherings to join.  It feels great to release any expectation of others participating on behalf of my side of the family.  One of my partner's cousins chooses to spend Thanksgiving with friends, as she has for the last 25 years.  Now I finally understand her choice.  When we choose what feels good for ourselves, taking others into consideration, we are causing a ripple effect of self-care and appreciation.  We are the only ones who truly know what brings us joy on Thanksgiving.  And it is our responsibility to create our own happiness.

It brings me great joy to spend this special day with my loved ones who choose to share it.  My partner's three relatives and their own little families joined us last year.  We spent one week preparing our home and one day preparing our meal.  We decorated a large chalk board, white board, and a large painted poster to detail our appreciations for family, friends, food, and the abundance in our lives.  The table was immaculately set with laminated animal calendar pages (from decluttering teaching supplies), small canning jars with candles, personalized art, and name cards for each guest.  In all the preparations, we expressed our deep appreciations for our loved ones, near and far, and for the many blessings in our lives.  The actual gathering and meal were the frosting on the already-delicious cake.

When the big moment arrived, my in-laws arrived with their children and dishes to share.  We socialized as we completed meal details.  As we sat to begin our meal, we each spoke of what we were most thankful for, lighting a candle as we spoke.  My four-year-old son approached the adults' table with his electric candle  to say, "I am thankful for friends and food."  The other children followed.  The tables glowed with candlelight.  When the meal was complete, my new cousin-in-law's wife helped me with dishes!  Adult cousins stayed to play an hour of games.  It was beautiful.  It was bliss.  It was complete.

Since that Thanksgiving meal, my thoughts on family are these.  Family is the group of beings we call loved ones: biological kin, dear friends, those we choose to love.  We are a part of one human family.  Strangers are friends yet to meet.  I see this in action every time we take public transportation or play in public spaces.  There are so many kind people all over the world who are someone's loved ones.  Most people in my life are loved ones.  And when it comes to Thanksgiving, I invite my beloved ones, expect nothing in return, and am thrilled by the gifts that unfold.  We now know how to send out appreciations and set the stage for the bonding of loved ones.  We now know a deeper meaning for the word family.

Love bugs

Giving thanks with paint

One place setting with meal blessing

Collectively counting our blessings