Between Two Ends

The fine balance of living with cancer.  For me, it feels like teetering somewhere between the ends of complete denial and total devastation.  Lung cancer sucks in so many ways.  Most patients die by not being able to breath.  For more than a month my partner has struggled many times each day to breath.  Creating a balance between two vast ends of emotion is quite the task.  Intentionally raising my children keeps my head above water in this big ocean of unknowns.  My daily practices of appreciation, thanking others for what they bring into our lives, mindfulness, connecting with my lineage, finding the silver lining, wanting to be the best wife and mother for my family, praying for and looking for miracles, these all help me maintain my daily balance.

As my partner has decreasing energy and time, I step in to accept more tasks.  My previous task was managing everything for our children, along with sharing many household tasks.  My partner tackled errands, finances, paperwork, repairs, and his outside job.  Mowing the lawn has become a wonderful physical outlet for me.  Today, it is my task to acquire a CPAP machine that forces air into his airway.  The oxygen machine simply isn't enough anymore.  This little task frightens me.  I am not as grand a negotiator or devil's advocate as my practiced partner.  And yet I am needed and I will step into the tasks that come to me.  I can do this.  I will do this.  I get to do this.